#the100dayproject
High Vibe Hacks
Day 83: Embracing the Shadow
High Vibe Hacks are helpful tools when riding the wave of flow that is happening in our life. However, they are especially important when the ship we are sailing is going through treacherous waters.
My son Ali will be a year on Sunday, and there are a lot of emotions and analysis that come with that. A week ago when I started the social media detox, I woke up with a stiff neck. I could not move my head from side to side. I was paralyzed. I could not look anywhere but straight ahead of me.
It was a physical reminder of my internal state.
This last year, I was able to take on being Ali’s primary caregiver, while running a business.
This has come with a lot of sacrifices for me and my family unit.
In the next year of life, there will be a lot of changes. We are looking for someone to come in and care for Ali, a few times a week to start with. This will free my time, to take on more work and care of things I have not been able to since having Ali in our life.
There is a lot that comes up from the subconscious as the every day reality starts to change into something new.
Separation is imminent, and my own feelings and limiting beliefs of what it means to be a good parent, or bad parent come up for me strongly. I think of our world, and the separation we collectively feel towards the “other”.
How we don’t see people as people, how children are being left to die at the border never realizing their dream of hope on the other side of the border, the millions of children who are displaced due to war or die because of, or are abused because they are easy targets. I have a hard time facing that my sweet, precious innocent child will grow up in this world, and without me there with him will most likely experience pain.
If I am honest with myself, these fears were why I waited so long to have a child, and why I resisted the idea of being a mother, and why I only want one.
My heart aches.
The reality of my aching heart can no longer be covered in the unconscious recesses of my mind.
It is here with me - present, every single day.
Taking a break from social has also amplified this truth. I am not distracted by the scroll.
The daily rituals have helped me hold space for these overwhelming feelings of helplessness.
I cannot deny them, I have to embrace the shadow of being a parent, a mother of a child who will inevitably have to discover all the world has to offer- the good and the bad.
The truth is the only thing I can do is my best. I can do my best to protect Ali, do my best to plan for his future, do my best to be an example to him, do my best to take care of his needs now….
Do my best…
These are feelings I will always have to negotiate in one way or another. It’s part of life. It’s not easy. There is no easy solution.
The circumstances are always changing, and I am always having to change with them.
I sit with the shadow, I sit with my thoughts. I write them down. I forgive myself. I am grateful for the richness of this life experience.
There is no magical pill for my feelings, and I imagine they will be here with me, and change as Ali becomes more capable to care for himself.
However, this is life. Every single mother and father before me has faced this challenge.
This is real. This is human. I bring my shadow close to my heart. Holding it like I hold my child when he is upset. It will all work out as it needs to, and there is nothing I can do to control it. I can only do my best.
Questions to Ponder:
What are you experiencing in your life that leaves you paralyzed to move forward?
Can you write a list arguing for your current limitations?
Can you write a list arguing for what happens when you release your current limitations?
What are ways you can hold your shadow close, and not deny that it is there?
How can you be curious about these darker aspects of self and allow a light to be shined on them?
#100dayproject #highvibehacks #shadow #embracingtheshadow
Note: The original #100DayProject started on April 2nd 2019. This blog is a repost of the project which was originally shared on my personal Facebook and Instagram.